this year i've just not been in the mood for any of this holiday stuff. none of it, really. going back to september, maybe even august, i just haven't had any heart for life. i just got through halloween, by hook or by crook, only to run headlong into thanksgiving, which i couldn't wait to be over. i couldn't bring myself to tell anybody "merry christmas" and actually mean it. even now it seems so cliche and meaningless the words leave a foul taste in my mouth. the most joy i got was finally spending a couple days in charlottesville with b's family, but even that was tainted by my inability to sleep well at night, as we are daily overshadowed by stress.

today, day 1 of 2010... how do i say "happy new year" honestly? i don't. i can't. i'll just be lucky to hold the pieces together for another year. it's horrible to say, but i have nearly lost all hope for this coming year, before it's even had a chance to begin.

please, God, if you're out there... prove me wrong...